Learning to Cope

Grandma Mary - Nov 2007

I spent the Easter holiday with my family, and with my stubborn old grandma (she's 75+). And, her health is failing. She looks the worst I've ever seen her and it really affects me - I don't know how to feel, what to do, or how to handle everything. I don't want anything to happen to her -- but at the same time, realistically, I know I need to prepare myself for that dreaded day that appears to be approaching ever-closer. She's the only grandparent I've ever known. My grandpa died when I was 2, and I don't know my dad or anybody on his side of the family.

I forced her to talk about stuff she didn't want to talk about this weekend. I guess its the lawyer in me and my Estate Planning training to discuss/plan for even the worst case scenario. I just wanted her to communicate and tell us how she wants everything to happen before the dementia sets in (which is already starting to happen - some times on the phone, I don't even think she knows shes talking to me). And, mostly, I wanted to discuss how she was going to handle a $30K lawsuit that she's facing because my uncle in California screwed her over by co-signing a car loan, defaulting, having the car repo-ed and then skipping town when the bill came due.

While talking to her, she just kept saying she didn't want to talk about anything... and her answer was always 'she'll deal with it later.' But, there may not be a later. I pushed and pushed and pushed until I got so mad that I just kept screaming at her, until I was crying along with everyone else in the room. I know she's stubborn, but I just wish she would let one of us take care of her, instead of her trying to take care of everybody else (which she can't do anymore b/c she can't even take care of herself).

She lives in a three-story house with three flights of stairs. She can barely make one-step anymore, yet her bedroom is in the basement, and her lounge-chair where she watches TV all day is on the top level. Three of my loser-uncles live with her. Dave has a drinking problem, Jim has a drinking/drug problem and is going to jail soon, and the Micky is handicapped from a 1986 drunk driving accident that left him brain dead, combined with a drug problem and a criminal theft record. Together, the three of them do not get along and make my grandma's life awful, two of them are unemployed, yet they're never around when she needs them.

I just wish I knew how I could live without my grandma, but I can't help but worry that she won't be around at my wedding or when my children grow up. I love her so much more than she'll ever know

1961 - Grandma Mary in the blue dress
(My mom's the cutie in the middle by my grandma's hand)